Normally when your team gets eliminated from the NFL playoffs, whether it’s during the regular season or the postseason, you mull things over for a few weeks and then pick which team you’re going to root for the rest of the way. But tat’s dumb. Don’t do that. Instead, pick which team you hate most and root against them.
Need some help? Well, this list of reasons why you should hate the Broncos, 49ers, Patriots, and Seahawks should do the trick.
Am I just trolling fans of the four remaining teams to piss them off and get a lot of clicks? No, I’m not only doing that. I’m also pandering to every bitter NFL fan (like me) who’s team didn’t even sniff the conference championship games.
But enough of the semantics. Let’s get the show on the road because, yeah, this hater’s gonna hate.
Is Colin Kaepernick really, really good? Yes, he is. Do I wish he was on my team? Of course I do. But do I also hate this guy and want to punch him in the face? You're god**mn right I do. It's not the tattoos, or anything silly like that. I don't have any idea whey people made such a big deal about that. No, for me, it's the hats—the stupid, stupid hats. And of course the Kaepernicking. That kind of braggadocio is totally 100% unacceptable when the player is not on my team.
If you don't hate this guy, you're not even trying.
13. You Want to Punch Colin Kaepernick in the Face
Is there any sports town and group of fans more insufferable than the people of Boston? Just 10 years ago they were just adorable because their teams had stopped winning winning decades ago. They were, like poor Cubs fans, "long-suffering." But today? Today there is no group of people on earth you would rather see deprived of that joyous feeling of winning a championship more than the people of Boston.
12. Boston: Ugh
No, this isn't about the infamous MNF replacement referee debacle now known as the "Fail Mary." This is about Golden Tate simply being a huge d-bag—like the time he showboated while scoring a touchdown against the Rams in a game they barely won, or the time he blocked the Cowboys' Chris Lee with the crown of his helmet. (That one got him a $21,000 fine.) Simply put, Tate is the least likable player on a team nobody likes.
11. Gold Tate Is a Golden Douche
I'll admit, it is kind of hard to hate the Broncos right now...unless you're a Tom Brady fan, in which case you obviously don't have a soul and can hate anyone. However, I can think of a few reasons, and the first is Tebowmania. Never ever forget that it was these people—the Broncos organization and their fans—who created this plague.
10. Tebow Mania
Remember how Patriots owner Robert Kraft and coach Bill Belichick used to go on and on about "The Patriots Way"—the supposed notion that the Patriots succeed because they instill their players with class and integrity that other teams simply do not have? Well I've got two words for you—nay, three words: Aaron F**king Hernandez. Turns out the Patriots win because Tom Brady is a god**mn genius and Bill Belichick knows how to coach him. So shut up, Kraft.
9. All the 'Patriots Way' B.S.
If Peter Carroll isn't jumping up and down on the sidelines like some sort of clown hopped up on Skittles and Mountain Dew, he's being a smug turd. Also, let's not forget that this guy used to be the head coach of the Patriots and the USC Trojans—where he had his second National Championship vacated because he gave zero f*cks about following the rules.
8. Pete Carroll Is a Pompous Tool
Okay, I know we're all supposed to be rooting for John Fox because he had mid-season heart surgery, but lets not forget that this is the same guy who had Peyton Manning take a knee with 30 seconds left in regulation against the Ravens last year so his team could "regroup."
How'd that work out?
Here's a pro tip: if Peyton "Maybe the Best Quarterback of All-Time" Manning is your quarterback and you have 30 seconds and two timeouts, you don't play for overtime. You go for it.
7. John Fox Is More Conservative than Rush Limbaugh
Apparently there is some animosity between Jim Harbaugh and Pete Carroll. Who would have imagined?
In any case, I wouldn't mind Jim Harbaugh's intensity so much if it always saved it for the appropriate times. But he's just as likely to go ballistic on the officials when his team is up 24-0 in the third quarter as he is with his team trailing in the Super Bowl.
Seriously, dude. Calm the eff down.
6. Jim Harbaugh Is a Khakis-Wearing Lunatic
Is Bill Belichick a good coach? Yes. Is he a great coach? That's a tougher question. Yes, the Patriots have been stellar under his leadership. But it just so happens that his tenure in New England has coincided perfectly with the career of Tom Brady. Maybe that has a lot to do with all their winning?
In any case, good or great, one thing is clear: Bill Belichick is sour, smug, whining cheater. (No, I'm never going to let go of "spygate.")
5. Bill Belichick Is Bill Belichick
Okay, here's another reason why you can hate the Broncos: they cheated to win their two Super Bowl championships.
No, really. They didn't cheat on the field, of course, but they did cheat up in the front office. You see, those years they "restructured" the contracts of John Elway and Terrell Davis to defer $29 million in salary, evade the salary cap, keep both players, and win back-to-back Super Bowls. For this the NFL vacated their Super Bowl titles.
Nope, totally kidding. For this, the NFL fined them $2 million and two third-round draft picks. Do you think they would gladly trade $2 million and two third-round draft picks for a Super Bowl? Yeah, they totally got away with cheating.
4. Salary Cap Shmallary Cap
Okay, let's assume that the majority of the Seahawks fans aren't just bandwagon jumpers who only became fans when the franchise stopped being pathetic in around 2004. Let's assume they've always been total die-hards. (It's untrue, but we'll give them the benefit of the doubt.) That still doesn't change the fact that they are some of the most obnoxious fans in the NFL.
3. Seahawks Fans = The Worst
Okay, I take it back. Maybe Seahawks fans aren't the worst. Niners fans who constantly harp about how their team has won "FIVE RINGS BABY!" are the worst. Newsflash, guys: your team won it's fifth ring 20 years ago. Since then the Packers, Ravens, Giants, Broncos and Steelers have won it twice; the Patriots won it three times; and even the St. Louis Rams and Tampa Bay Buccaneers have each won it once. Are you seriously still talking about the five Super Bowls you won with two quarterbacks who are now a combined age of 109? Really?
2. Niners Fans Won't Shut up About their Rings
I guess I could have grouped this point in with the whole "The Patraiots Way is total B.S." thing, but I really felt this deserved it's own point. I mean, who welcomes the World Series champions to their stadium and then makes fun of them behind their backs for being "so little"? Show some respect you arrogant wieners. They've won twice as many championships as than you in the last nine years.
Also, Josh McDaniels, you shouldn't make fun of anybody. You can't do anything without Bill Belichick watching over you.
[UPDATE: Apparently the video here isn't working anymore. Don't worry, though, you can watch it right here.]
1. The Patriots Are Smug A-Holes
Denver Broncos, New England Patriots, NFL, NFL Playoffs, San Francisco 49ers, Seattle Seahawks,