There are a lot of interesting uniforms at the 2014 Winter Olympics, from the mariachi ski suit of Mexican skier Hubertus Von Hohenlohe to the seizure-inducing pants of the Norwegian men’s curling team. However, nobody—and I do mean nobody—can match the insanity of the figure skating costumes. These things get more extreme every single time out. In fact, I’m fairly confident that by 2022 they’ll be skating totally nude—but with metallic body paint all over and flashing LED lights implanted just underneath the skin.
In any case, today I thought we’d pay tribute to the fabulous psychedelic drug-fueled world of figure skating costumes with a list of the craziest costumes in the history of the sport…that I could find on the internet. Take a look. You won’t regret it. Probably.
Jane Khokhlova & Sergei Novitski / Russia / Vancouver 2010
I realize this is supposed to be some sort of traditional russian costume or something, but it looks like my dog ate an entire Christmas sweater and then barfed it back up.
25. Christmas Sweater Barf
Krystyna Klimczak & Janusz Karweta / Poland / Sochi 2014Is it just me, or does this getup remind anyone else of the Dallas Mavericks logo? I'm not saying it's an exact match or anything, but I immediately thought of the logo when I saw this.
24. The Dallas Mavericks Logo
Nathalie Pechalat & Fabian Bourzat / France / Vancouver 2010
Because France is known for their cowboys and country line-dancing.
Tanith Belbin & Benjamin Agosto / USA / Vancouver 2010
Here's another attempt at a costume inspired by some sort of traditional ethnic garb, and on the bright side it doesn't look like dog puke. It is, however, a bit extreme—especially since these two are not from...wherever it is these costumes are supposed to be from.
22. Ethnic Overkill
Aliona Savchenko & Robin Szolkowy / Germany / Grand Prix 2007
The 2014 Olympic bronze medalists are known for their penchant for whacky costumes. Did you happen to see this one? Holy moly.
21. Aladdin & Jasmine
Aliona Savchenko & Robin Szolkowy / Germany / European Championships 2010
Here's another one from this German pairs team. They really did skate to the song "Send in the Clowns," too.
20. Send in the Clowns
Evan Lysacek / USA / Vancouver 2010
Evan Lysacek almost had the most manly, badass figure skating costume in the history of the sport. Then he was like, "you know what, throw a couple of rhinestone snakes on that baby," and it all went to sh*t.
19. Snakes on a...Figure Skater?
Marina Aganina & Artem Knyazev / Uzbekistan / Torino 2006
This costume was originally designed for Prince, but he rejected it because he thought it made him look too feminine.
18. Purple Nightmare
Barbara Fusar-Poli & Maurizio Margaglio / Italy / Torino 2006
At least her Honalulu Barbie getup distracted from Maurizio's bedazzled pirate shirt.
17. Flower Power
Nathalie Pechalat & Fabian Bourzat / France / Grand Prix 2011
Seriously, that's the worst mummification job ever. Those bandages are way too loose.
16. Skate Like an Egyptian
Aliona Savchenko & Robin Szolkowy / Germany / Grand Prix 2013
On Aliona the costume works. But on Robin there...wow that's alotta white spandex.
15. White Out
Elena Grushina & Ruslan Goncharov / Ukraine / Torino 2006
Elena here looks like some lustful space vixen from a late-night soft-core porn movie on Cinemax.
14. Space Stripper of the Future
Jana Khokhlova & Sergei Novit / Russia / Vancouver 2010
This is one intense getup. If I had to guess I'd say Jana is supposed to be a Phoenix rising from the ashes or something. However, in my mind she's a peacock who is on fire, and Sergei is trying to put her out.
13. A Peacock on Fire
Kimberly Navarro & Brent Bommentre / USA / U.S. Figure Skating Championships 2010
What do you suppose gave these jackasses the idea to do an Afro-Brazilian-inspired dance in which Brent wears a dread wig? Sweet mother of Jesus.
Also, is it just me or does it look like he's about to slap her?
12. Afro-Brazilian Nightmare
Ilia Kulik / Russia / Nagano 1998
"No Yuri, I totally love the cheetah print and the vest. I just think it needs some shoulder pads or something."
11. Chester Cheetah on Roids
Viktor Petrenko / Russia / Lillehammer 1994
Viktor borrow this jacket from Liza Minnelli. True story.
10. Amazing Technicolored Ladies Blazer
Kevin Van Der Perren / Belgium / Vancouver 2010
I'm guessing this guy was going for some sort of nature/environmental theme with all the leaves. However, really he just looks dumb.
9. Captain Planet
Brian Orser / Canada / Calgary 1988
And to think, at the time nobody knew this guy was gay.
8. Big Red
Tatiana Volosozhar & Stanislav Morozov / Ukraine / Vancouver 2010
Poor Stan is thinking, Jesus, all my high school friends are watching me skate around in a shinier version of a Fantastic Four uniform.
7. The Fantastic Two
Stéphane Lambiel / Switzerland / Torino 2006
It's the collar that really makes the outfit, don't you think?
6. The Fabulous Sparkle Zebra
Johnny Weir / USA / Unknown 2010 Performance
Hey, is that Lady Gaga? No, it's Johnny "I Don't Give a [email protected]#$ What People Think" Weir.
I actually kind of admire this guy's attitude, even if it did detract from his athleticism.
5. The Black Swan
Johnny Weir / USA / Torino 2006
What can I say? This dude loves the whole black swan/white swan motif.
4. The White Swan
Johnny Weir / USA / Vancouver 2010
Of course, he also loves dressing up like a transvestite dominatrix.
3. The Kinky Dominatrix Swan
Oksana Domnina & Maxim Shabalin / Russia / European Championships 2010
This was actually supposed to be a "tribute" to the aboriginal cultures of the world—a tribute in which they wore tan nude bodysuits covered with loin cloths and leaves.
Needless to say, the aboriginal cultures of the world were like, "yeah, thanks."
2. Cultural Sensitivity
Evgeni Plushenko / Russia / Various 2005-06 Competitions
You may have seen this epic performance floating around the internet this week, remixed to Ginuwine's "Pony." But just in case you haven't...