9 Dumbest Nascar Race Sponsors
NASCAR sponsorships have been well-parodied throughout the years, most notably in the Will Ferrell comedy Talladega Nights. That movie was pretty hilarious, and we’re not terribly original, so, with a 12-month slate of ridiculous corporate synergies, and the holding of the GoBowling.com 400 this past Sunday, we feel it’s an excellent time to make fun of the corporate whoring sponsorship so intrinsic to the sport. Here are some stupid sponsors.
If I’m going to go bowling, it’s because I’m drunk and board with my friends. It’s not because I was reminded of the sport via a NASCAR sponsorship. Also, it couldn’t just be the “Go Bowling 400?” I mean, I understand that they want to drive traffic to their website, but here’s the thing: I never, ever, EVER will visit a website to prepare for a bowling trip. That’s like checking out the menu at Dennys.com before showing up at one. People who bowl aren’t huge planners. They’re big drinkers, though.
9. The GoBowling.com 400
PERFECT. SYNERGY. Too perfect. My guess is (focus group pending) that 97% of NASCAR fans already own at least three RVs. Does this mean that the advertiser is reaching out to an already familiar customer base? I don’t know. I don’t care. I’m done talking about this. What I’m not done talking about is being cute and adding a mile to your race. You’re not special. You’re a sponsor of a race that (probably) takes place on a slightly misshapen oval, and it doesn’t matter if the race is 300 or 301 miles – it’s still FAR too long.
8. Camping World RV Sales 301
I remember some unconscionably old person once informing me that Goody’s was a headache powder, but that’s only because I have a really good memory, because I haven’t heard of this stuff since I was like six years old. Failing that knowledge, I would have just assumed that “Headache Relief Shot” was sniper-speak for a perfect strike or something. That would be way cooler. Why don’t snipers sponsor Nascar races?
7. Goody’s Headache Relief Shot 500
ONE SPONSOR PER RACE, PLEASE. Also, please stop with this “presented by” crap. No presentation is necessary. All Quaker State needs to do is write NASCAR some stupid-huge check, and all the presentation will be handled. Promise. What if Advance Auto Parts screws up their presentation? Will there be no race? How do you present a race? Does it involve one of those silver serving trays with a lid?
6. Quaker State 400 Presented by Advance Auto Parts
I guess the Unabashedly Oklahoman Grand Prix wasn’t enough. In all seriousness, though, if you were even considering visiting Michigan, the fact that their tourism board (the coiners of the aforementioned “Pure Michigan”) sponsors a NASCAR race will remove any lingering doubt. You HAVE to go to Michigan now. I mean, they have David Price now! But no more Austin Jackson.
5. Pure Michigan 400
Why’d you skimp out on the last 45 or 145 miles, Cheez-It 355? You got some place you need to be? Is there a food festival or something that evening? If you’re going to be something as lame as sharper, greasier Goldfish crackers and sponsor a race, you better give us those 45 miles back or I swear to God this thing’s gonna be the Better Cheddar 600 this time next year.
4. Cheez-It 355
The title of this race is (suppress your gag reflex): Crown Royal Presents, The John Wayne Walding 400 at The Brickyard. That’s a lot of poorly structured information in one race name. Let’s dispense with the low-hanging fruit. Yeah, Crown Royal is alcohol. Alcohol causes some people to crash their cars. Yes, yes. Very insightful. It’s also a popular consumer good, that banks on consumer recognition. It’s not like the drivers have to take a shot every lap. (Holy shit, would I watch that, though.) Then there’s the mysterious John Wayne Walding. I don’t know who he is, and I don’t want to know. I already know who too many people on this earth are. I did read once that 80% of the people with the middle name “Wayne” are serial killers, so that’s a giant red flag.
3. Crown Royal Presents, the John Wayne Walding 400 at The Brickyard
There’s nothing wrong with a casino sponsoring a NASCAR Race. It actually makes a lot of sense. There’s probably a lot of overlap in their target markets. However, when you’re sponsoring a race on a national scale, maybe you don’t step up if you’re a sponsor called Hollywood Casino in Kansas City. To their minimal credit, at least it’s located in the Kansas City in Kansas, and not the one in Missouri, because that would just make me want to scream.
2. Hollywood Casino 400
Zuh? It’s like being baffled by a vanity plate that doesn’t seem to make any sense no matter how you parse it. So, being the crafty bastard that I am, I typed the URL into a link and…… ……….. ……….. It’s a website for the race. WE’VE GONE THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS, PEOPLE! It’s actually sponsored by Janssen Pharmaceuticals. Why they didn’t put their name on it is anyone’s guess. The sponsor of this race is…this race. Holy shit that’s dumb.