9 Awesome Candidates to be the Next Brooklyn Nets Owner
Rumors came about a few days ago that the Brooklyn Nets owner was quietly shopping the team amid the Russian economic crisis. Rather than having to continue to feed the beast (Brooklyn ran $144 million in the red last season), he can cash out and keep some of his fortune in sweet, sweet U.S. dollars. No way those will ever go south! (Jinx!) So while he is shopping such a high valued asset, we’d like to sort through some worthy successors as Brooklyn Nets owner. If the Clippers went for $2 billion under distress, then it’s not unreasonable to think that the Nets could pull in the same. Who do we think would make a great Brooklyn Nets owner? These guys. So feel free to pass their information on to Mikhail Prokhorov.
aIt’s not a bad suggestion, but it’s a little on the nose, which is why it only ranks at #9. I mean, a former (or current) president is generally accomplished in a number of different concerns, so they’re pretty good candidates for anything. But Obama is a very public President, so it’s not like people are going to have to learn about the guy. And he likes basketball a lot. He thinks Kanye West is a jackass, which means he’s no idiot, and I think Barry would play well in Brooklyn. I mean, go through the list and see who would look most comfortable sitting next to Jay-Z and Beyonce. It would be Obama, right?
9. Barack Obama
After the Sterling fiasco a few months back, we’ve shifted our executive hate to Roger Goodell. In an effort to bring it back to the NBA (where it belongs!), a villain needs to be enlisted. Not just some racist dude, though there are apparently plenty of those. No, we need a man possessed by limitless ego who wakes up, slaps a dead animal on his head, makes a pouty face, then, wearing a $5,000 suit, sits behind a desk and gets on Twitter to start ranting about birth certificates, Ebola, and Mark Cuban. He’s the American version of a crazy Russian owner.
8. Donald Trump
I understand that Michael Jordan already sort of owns a basketball team. I also understand that Michael Jordan is from North Carolina, where the Charlotte Bobcats are located. I also understand that the Bobcats are a fairly unremarkable squad, and for the tides to turn for a small-market team like that can take years or decades. Small market teams more often end up like Milwaukee than San Antonio. Jordan doesn’t play small potatoes very well. Fortunately, potatoes don’t really get much bigger than NYC, and Brooklyn is in the unique situation of being a huge-market team that’s also something of a blank slate, not unlike the Clippers. I don’t see Jordan over taking Steve Balmer’s position, but I could see a group of investors wanting 23 to be the face of their consortium. Why, do you know someone better?
7. Michael Jordan
“Ballmer vs. Gates. A battle of pride. They were BEST FRIENDS building a computer empire, but owning different teams, they’re now SWORN ENEMIES. The New York-LA rivalry has never been more intense.” Also, this would be awesome just for the prospect of Bill Gates regularly having to give people high fives. Just don’t drink the arena water, though. Seriously.
6. Bill Gates
David Stern’s a New York guy. He has a decent enough understanding of the league, having essentially nurtured it to where it is today as commissioner. And I don’t know how much money he has, but if Goodell is making $50 mil a year for his efforts, then Stern’s time was probably worth about $6 billion, more than enough to buy the Nets, the Barclay Center, and all the coffee shops in Williamsburg. I don’t now if he would be a great owner, but it would be nice to see him on the other side of the table, making Adam Silver’s life hell with comments about officiating. Also, this would probably send Bill Simmons over the moon. Do it for Bill!
5. David Stern
“Hi, Jason Kidd. Thanks for meeting me. I’d like to talk about your performance this past season and where our priorities lie for nex-“ jumps across desk, bites Jason Kidd in the neck, thrashing wildly. Jason Kidd collapses to floor in pool of his own blood. Intercom buzzer rings. Lionel Hollins, five minutes early for his interview, steps over the still-twitching body of Jason Kidd to discuss his interest in the now-vacant position. Kevin Garnett, in a pressed suit, covered in blood, takes a seat. “Hi, Lionel. Thanks for making the trip. Tell me a little about what you learned during your time in Memphis…”
4. Kevin Garnett
I don’t know if Shelly Sterling is a “good person.” I do know that she did her best to keep a really bad person from maintaining control of the L.A. Clippers. And I do know that she recently came into the money from the $2 billion sale of the team to Microsoft honcho Steve Ballmer. She’s been around basketball ownership for a long time, she’s in the good graces of the public (sort of), and she has the money to actually do this. Holy shit, Shelly Sterling is the most qualified candidate on this list.
3. Shelly Sterling
Sadly, there’s like a 50% chance this could happen, I feel. I think Khloe K. could be a real good GM, assuming that basketball knowledge and savvy is something that is sexually transmitted. And if that’s the case, then Kim would be like John Wooden. Further, anything that gets Kanye West MORE publicity is just fine in my book. He’s a national treause. Best watch the throne, Hova. Yeezy comin’! And Rob Kardashian could man the concessions, while Bruce Jenner is the face of the team. This would be one reality show I would make appointment television. Khloe, Lamar, Scott, Kris, Bruce, Kim, Rob, Kanye, and Kourtney Take the NBA.
2. The Kardashian Family
A world leader with a rabid (rabid!) following, and a fondness for basketball. A colorful former player known for both his tenacity on the boards and for his colorful nickname “The Worm.” I know that Kim Jung-Un probably isn’t allowed to own U.S. businesses due to sanctions in response to his subhuman treatment of his citizens, but I’m sure a popular former star with a drinking problem like Dennis Rodman could iron all that out on the fly. Plus, Lil’ Kim has a whole nation full of entertainers who would KILL during a halftime show. Like those babies playing guitar? Sick. And he could probably use nuclear weapons to blow up the Barclay Center during game six of the Finals, and he still wouldn’t be as hated as Donald Sterling. Sterling left a pretty high bar to clear.