9 Things the A-Rod Apology Should Definitely Include
Early yesterday, a hand-written A-Rod apology made the rounds on news outlets and social media. It was directed to his fans (how Bohemian), and it apologized for…well, pretty much just for being A-Rod.
Now, while this A-Rod apology is definitely a step in the right direction, it was also pretty vague. I think what we really need is a full, comprehensive list of things for which Alex Rodriguez needs to apologize. A list that holds him accountable for his appearance, the women he’s dated, his personal life, and of course, those delightful PEDs that he rubbed, shot, swallowed, and crammed on his way to hanging a big ole’ asterisk next to his name in the record books.
The actual A-Rod apology touched on a couple of these, but in the interested of genuine atonement, we included several more on this list of things Alex Rodriguez should apologize for. Take a look.
IntroThis might be a silly thing to ask someone to apologize for but in fairness to me a) It’s only #9 on the list, so it’s bound to be petty, and b) they’re REALLY purple. Like they used to belong to Barney. I don’t know what makes lips turn different colors, but A-Rod needs to tone it down with a much more muted gloss or something. Babe Ruth didn’t have purple lips. Neither did Joltin’ Joe. It’s crap, and he should say he’s sorry.
9. His Purple Lips
Oh, heavens. It was alleged by an ex-girlfriend, via USWeekly, that the would-be Hall of Famer has not one, but two paintings of his head on a centaur’s body. Or, his head on a horse’s body, which then makes him a centaur. I’m not really sure what a centaur is before you add the human head. In any event, it’s a testament to both his vanity and his level of taste that he’s commissioned two such works. And while he doesn’t need to apologize for owning them (yes he does), he does have to apologize for not sharing them with us so we can see this majesty firsthand.
8. His Centaur Painting(s)
I don’t know why he should apologize for this, but I feel like anyone who dates Madonna is not good for society. When I was researching this fun little fact, I couldn’t get the image of the two of them having sex out of my mind. And I hope now you can’t, either. I will heal by making my pain your pain. Damn you, Alex and Madge!
7. Dating Madonna
A-Rod used steroids, which only matters depending on how you feel about the use of a substance that wasn’t banned until very recently in Major League baseball. He used them before the ban, and he used them after. He apparently used a lot, from many different sources. Of all of transgressions, I don’t think it’s as bad as several others on this list, like #3, but this will likely haunt him long after his career is over, so it gets a disproportionately high ranking.
6. His PED UseThis was FAR more obnoxious than his use of PEDs. Athletes aren’t a particularly smart bunch, but their entitlement means that they think they can just will the collective consciousness to side with them. He went on 60 Minutes with Katie Couric and told the world he “used” to do steroids, when in reality—like Mitch Hedberg—not only did A-Rod “used” to do them, but he still did them as well. He left that part off when he went on TV to become a martyr.
5. Lying About His PED Use
Despite having access to some of the biggest names in Hollywood (Kate Hudson, Madonna, Cameron Diaz), A-Rod would also slum it with some local strippers and even hiring prostitutes. But, you know, fancy prostitutes from the same place that Eliot Spitzer went. Should he apologize for this? Eh, if it was anyone else, I would let it slide, but the thought of this guy running around with $100 million in his bank account, hiring hookers and injecting drugs and just being A-Rod makes me think, yeah, he should apologize for that. A-Rod should have to apologize for things that other people shouldn’t. Also, he should have to apologize because he repeatedly asked out the woman in the photo, madam Kristin Davis.
4. For Going WhoringCameron Diaz feeding A-Rod popcorn while in the suite at Super Bowl XLV was a defining moment in A-Rod’s pop culture timeline. At that point, everyone who saw it seemed to know that the sports world wouldn’t let that slide. THE MAN DOESN’T EVEN EAT HIS OWN POPCORN! IT’S CRAP! It would have been funnier if she was feeding him raw beef or sushi. Oh, man, people would have been PISSED if it was sushi.
3. For Being Fed Like a Little Baby
“A-Rod” was one of the precursors to that whole obnoxious fad of taking your first initial against the last syllable in your name. And while he surely wasn’t the first to do it, I am very comfortable laying 70% of the blame on him, and 30% on Jenny from the Block. Now I have to call Paul Rudd “P-Rudd or older boys will beat me up. The reason you know who “K-Fed” refers to is Alex Rodriguez’s fault. Killing him would be letting him off too easy.