It shouldn’t come as a surprise that there were a ton of celebrities at Mayweather-Pacquiao on Saturday night. With the price of tickets ranging from $4Kto $300K, the only people who could afford to go to the supposed “Fight of the Century” were the incredibly wealthy.
Of course, some of the celebrities at Mayweather-Pacquiao were cool people we actually like, such as Jimmy Kimmel, or Mr. and Mrs. Beyoncé, or the Burger King. However, a lot of them were tools we wished had been the ones in the ring taking blow after blow to the kisser. And because that thing your mom always said about attracting more bees with honey than vinegar is nonsense—yes you, dear reader, are the bee in this analogy—it’s the tools we’re going to focus on here.
Ready to take a look? Okay then, here we go…
To be honest, Mark Wahlberg does seem like a cool dude. However, he sits in the owners' box at Patriots games, which is pretty much the worst. Plus he seems like the kind of guy who's might snap at any moment and just knock your lights out. And come on, Marky Mark, who wears their sunglasses on their shoulder like that?
So yeah, somebody punch this guy in the face already. Just not too hard, because like 20% of his movies are really good.
15. Mark Wahlberg
Drew Barrymore the person? Totally rad. Drew Barrymore the person's movies? Very punch-worthy.
Don't get me wrong, Drew makes a good one at least once a decade. There was ET in 1982, The Wedding Singer in 1998, and Donnie Darko in 2001. But those hardly undo the likes of Mad Love or Never Been Kissed, or Charlies Angels, or He's Just Not that Into You, or Blended, a movie co-starring Adam Sandler that you probably didn't even know existed.
14. Drew Barrymore
I don't care how many great films Ben Affleck has directed or how many Oscars he has won. (It's two, by the way.) I don't care if he surprises everyone and becomes the most-revered Batman of all time. I'll never forgive him for Gigli.
Charles Barkley I threw in here to win points with the much-maligned women of San Antonio, and because he looks like Bald Bull from Punch-Out, so it would be fun to see him in the ring.
As for Reggie Miller, I put him here for all you Knicks fans out there, and because he's a terrible, terrible analyst.
12. Charles Barkley and Reggie Miller
I respect the man's business acumen and his fashion sense. He was definitely one of the best-dressed celebs at Mayweather-Pacquiao. I also respect the fact that he is dating Cassie, who is extremely attractive.
What I don't respect is this name changing nonsense. Puff Daddy, Puffy, Sean Jean, P. Diddy, Diddy, Diddy Dirty Money, Swag? Enough already. Somebody just punch this guy in the face and we'll just call him P. Bruisey.
Whatever else you may think of Lil Wayne, he makes this list simply by virtue of being in serial wife-beater Floyd Mayweather's extended entourage.
10. Lil Wayne
The Black Mamba is without a doubt one of the greats of all time. Unfortunately, like so many of said all-time greats, his ego is enormous and he can be a huge d***. I'm sure Shaq and Karl Malone aren't the only former teammates who would like to have seen Kobe take a few licks in the ring.
9. Kobe Bryant
Jamie Foxx seems like a cool dude, but his performance of the National Anthem was brutal. Forget getting punched in the face by Floyd Mayweather. If Kanye West was there, he would have jumped into the ring, taken the mic away and handed it to Beyoncé, who was sitting in the front row. And for the first time, America would have approved.
8. Jamie Foxx
Which Jonas Brothers are these? I don't know. Let's say it's Freddie and Eugene Jonas. Doesn't matter. The Jonas Brothers were completely awful, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who smiles when he imagines a professional boxer pummelling these guys in the ring.
Is Paris Hilton actually still famous? I mean, I know she only got famous for making a sex tape, but at least she made a few movies and sexy hamburger commercials after that. But is she actually still doing stuff?
Forget it. Doesn't matter. She still deserves a good punch in the kisser for this stupid outfit and goofy boxing pose.
5. Paris Hilton
Can you even imagine the action on Trump's weird hair if he actually stepped into a boxing ring? He'd look like Ernie McCracken at the end of Kingpin.
PS, how confused does the Trumpster's wife look right here? It's like she's trying to remember how to smile.
4. Donald Trump
Even if you don't think Kentucky coach John Calipari is single-handedly ruining college basketball, you have to admit he's kind of a slimeball. Associating himself with convicted domestic abuser and all-around scumbag Floyd Mayweather is just icing on the sh*tcake.
3. John Calipari
There's a good chance you already dislike Tom Brady and would love to see him get punched in the face in HD super slow-motion. However, on the off chance that you have no strong feelings about the guy, here's a little factoid that may sway you: after starting the day partying at the Kentucky Derby with all his New England Patriots buddies, Brady flew them all to Vegas for the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight on his private jet...then he ditched them, leaving them to watch the fight up in the nosebleeds with the "poor" rich people, while he went down and sat ringside with the likes of Beyoncé and Jay-Z.
2. Tom Brady
Yeah I'm TOTALLY kidding you guys. Just wanted to see if you were paying any attention.
Michael J. Fox is a national treasure. Wait, no, international treasure. I almost forgot he's Canadian.
Point is, nobody wants to see him punched in the face. But the next guy on this list? Well...
1. Michael J. Fox
I'll be the first to admit that, at the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight, for the first time in...well, ever, Justin Bieber did NOT look like a complete scumbag. And under other circumstances, I would have given him props for his fashion sense and wondered whether he was changing his douchebag ways.
However, the circumstances here cannot be ignored. Once again, the Biebs walked into the ring as a member of Floyd's "Money Team" entourage. So we have no choice but to proclaim the Biebs a d-bag still most worthy of getting punched over and over in the face.