Report: Patriots Encourage Players to “Smoke Real Weed, Not that Synthetic Crap”
Everyone was wondering how the New England Patriots would deal with Chandler Jones‘ synthetic marijuana incident.
No one expected this.
When asked whether or not he planned to address his team about the issue Friday morning, Patriots owner Robert Kraft told the media, “I already have!” As for his actual message to the players, he said it was quite simple:
“If you’re going to smoke anything, smoke real weed, not that synthetic crap.”
When asked to elaborate on his comments, Kraft told reporters, “We’re paying these dudes some big bucks. I would rather see them spend it on the best sticky-icky, not that cheap, chemical-filled bunk that causes you to trip balls.” As for how he’d prefer his team get a hold of this high-quality weed, Kraft said, “It’s simple. Just ask me. I’ve got tons of hook-ups around town.”
Bill Belichick was asked about Kraft’s comments during his Friday afternoon press conference, to which he responded by saying, “We’re on to Denver.” After being reminded that the Pats and Broncos still had to beat the Chiefs and Steelers, respectively, before meeting in the AFC Championship, Belichick showed a rare side to himself, apologizing to the media before admitting that he was really stoned and “looking forward to the possibility of visiting Colorado for some legal dank and Papa John’s.”
Of course, Bill’s not the only one who seemed thrilled about Kraft’s suggestion. The players are also very excited. Some have even told our sources that they’ve already been invited to the owner’s mansion in Chestnut Hill to join him for one of his world-renowned hotboxes.
As for the possibility of Roger Goodell catching his players smoking an illegal substance like real marijuana, Robert Kraft didn’t seem to be the slightest bit concerned:
“Hahaha! Oh, Goodell. When will he learn? When will all of you learn? We’re the Patriots. We get away with everything!
“We’ve got away with much worse in the past. I’m sure we can find our way around some measly positive drug test.”