Marshawn Lynch Reveals All During Possible Retirement Press Conference

Marshawn Lynch parody

In a very un-Marshawn-Lynch-like move, the Seattle Seahawks running back called a press conference earlier today. And while he stopped short of announcing whether or not he planned to retire from the game of football, he did provide answers to a plethora of other questions from reporters

Lynch began the session by apologizing to the media and telling them that in return for his years of short, meaningless, repetitive answers, he would stand in front of the microphones today for as long as it took to make it up to them. His compensation for years of unanswered questions ended up lasting a whopping four hours. One of Lynch’s representatives even had to stop him at one point to tell him that police were confiscating his pylons and towing his Lamborghini away from the middle of the road. But Marshawn seemed unfazed by the update and continued on.

Here are some of the questions Lynch answered.

Regarding his plans for retirement:

Whenever that time comes, Boss, I’ve already received a few offers. At the top of my list right now is owning a Skittles factory and co-hosting with my homeboy Conan O’Brien. That dude is the bomb.

Regarding his thoughts on Darrell Bevell’s play-call on the Seahawks’ final offensive play of Super Bowl XLIX:

I actually sat down with Bevell and Coach Carroll about a week after the game to talk about that play. They both informed me that it was actually Roger Goodell who made the call. Apparently, he busted into our play-calling booth during the previous play and demanded that we do whatever we could to lose that game because, as he put it, “It will be a lot easier to win our DeflateGate case against Tom Brady if the Patriots won the Super Bowl.” We all know how that turned out, though.

On his famous press conference answers:

I was just there so I don’t get fined. Hahahaha. Get it? But seriously, you guys never paid any attention to me when I used to give the same contrived answers as everyone else.  So one day, me, Russell Wilson and Richard Sherman got together and thought, “Wouldn’t it be funny if I just repeated the same thing for every question, like ‘You know why I’m here,’ or ‘I’m thankful‘?” We all agreed that it would be a blast, and wouldn’t you know it? After a few weeks of providing the most useless, meaningless answers ever, I was getting endorsement offers left and right. I mean, we’re talking Microsoft, Progressive, Pepsi…None of these companies would have ever even thought about putting me in their commercials before. So that seemed to work out well for myself.

When he was finally done answering every last question that the media had to offer, Marshawn Lynch thanked them all for their patience over the years.  He then whipped out a giant bag of parting gifts, handing every reporter in the room a copy of the latest Call of Duty video game and a box of Skittles, before telling them, “Beast Mode will be back…Or maybe he won’t.”

I guess we’ll find out soon enough.


***Parody Post.***

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